Please Don't Fart on My Spoon

Spooning. The perfect cuddle position. No awkward head angles while you try to lay on his chest. Or smooshed boobs when you try to lay on hers. No worries about waking up breathing in morning breath, or spewing yours in your partner's face. No knocking knees or trapped thighs. Positioned properly, with the larger person behind and slightly raised, hair is easily kept out of mouths. Like I said, the perfect cuddle position.

Except.

When you're the spoonee (spooned? spoonipient?), you do have one major disadvantage. Yes, you get to arrange your body comfortably and let your partner create a human mold to your body. You are also less likely to end up with a sleepy elbow in the ribs, and your bottom has a nice warm pocket to snooze in. But...

You can't fart when spooning.

It's not something you think about when you snuggle into that position. It's not something you think about at all. Until you realize you really need to let one go. And then you're trapped.

You can spend most of your relationship being discreet. I've been married 8 years, and as far as my husband knows I only fart about once a month. Which is ironic because I'm one of the gassiest people you will ever meet. It runs in my family. It cannot be helped by diet or Bean-o. My sister starts letting them rip on the second date to rule out those potential mates who won't be able to handle it down the road.

But I didn't start that precedent when I should have, so now the only time I do it in his presence is when it's an emergency. When we're in the car and I can't hold it in. When that little one that I thought was going to be quiet and odorless turns out to be louder or smellier than expected. Or when he walks in the room 2 minute too soon, before things have dissipated.

But for the most part, I wait until we arrive at our destination, until he leaves the room, until he falls asleep. Or I leave the room for a moment to check on the kids, close the garage, get a drink of water. But once you're settled in for sleep, successfully and comfortably spooned up, you're trapped.

When you're snuggling any other way, you can make it quiet and under the covers and hope your partner is none the wiser. You can blame the dog, or the sewer, or the dirty diaper you forgot to throw out. But even a silent fart cannot go unnoticed when you're being spooned. There's no denying the sudden burst of hot air into a tightly snuggled tummy. Even if you think your partner's asleep, there's no way to know for sure that he or she is in that deep a sleep. It's the one and only flaw that prevents the attainment of the perfect snuggle.

This is supposed to be the part where I give the solution to the problem. How to achieve the best of both worlds. But I don't have one. You may say "well, just do it anyway. Quit trying to hide it. It's human." But let's face it. When are you most likely to be feeling snuggly? After being intimate, right? And when's the worst time to reveal your baser human side? That's right. When you are most vulnerable--after being intimate. So that's not really a solution after all.

It's a flaw in the construction of the universe, and there's no way around it.

You can't fart when spooning.